Motivating Your Child the Positive, Natural Way
Posted: Tuesday, January 29, 2008
by Dr. Peter Pierro
Peregrine Press of OK
Are your kids personally interested in what they are choosing to do? We parents use the power of intrinsic motivation and be careful about the use of extrinsic motivation .
In my work as a consulting sports psychologist, I very often run into the question, "How do I motivate my players?" and I respond first by telling the story of Ben Curtis and his parents:
Ben Curtis -- as stunning a British Open champion as there has ever been -- loved golf. Even his parents had no idea how much until that frantic night back in Ostrander, Ohio, when Bob and Janice Curtis went to look in on their 5-year-old son at 11 o'clock and saw an empty bed. "It's dark out and we're running around the house pulling our hair out," Bob Curtis recalled over the telephone Sunday. "And then I looked out the window and there's Ben on the putting green in his pajamas with the floppies, putting." "He'd crawled out of his bed, gone over to the course and turned on the lights in my office so he could keep practicing, I guess that's when we realized that he really loved the game."
Ben loved the game. He loved it so much that he went the extra mile and spent the extra time enjoying it and getting better at it.
How do we parents motivate our children? We have some choices:
1. We can try to make them follow our good success stories. "I love golf and so will you, or else."
2. We can have them follow their own dreams and support them in their talents and experiences.
If you choose #1, you believe in Extrinsic Motivation and you now have two options. The first is to make your child follow your path and punish him whenever he gets off the path. "You will practice the piano two hours a day whether you like it or not and you know what will happen if you don't." You can use your imagination to fill in what "will happen."
The message is, "Do what we want you to do or we will make you sorry you didn't." This is Negative Extrinsic Motivation it comes from outside the child and outside the activity.
The second is more human (maybe) and we can start using it any time with our kids. In this operation, you decide what your child is going to do and then reward her whenever she does the right thing. This works with young kids, "When you get done practicing the piano, I give you a sticker (or a hug or a popsicle or whatever she child likes and is willing to work for). This sounds like bribery and it is. As she grows older, money and new clothes, and other good things will be required. Bribery gets more expensive all the time.
This is Positive Extrinsic motivation and it also comes from outside the child and activity. The message is, "Do what we want you to do and we will make you happy that you did it." Some kids catch on to how the deal works and say, "What do I get if I do what you want me to do?" and the kids are now calling the shots.
If you choose to go with #2 you will be using Intrinsic Motivation -- the energy and desire comes from the game itself and from your son's interest in it. I don't think Ben Curtis was competing against anybody out there on that putting green. He was a kid enjoying a part of the game of golf that a kid his age and size could enjoy. This was his choice and his idea of fun he really wanted to play golf and his parents were pleased that he wanted to play and they encouraged him. Everyone was in agreement and when that condition exists, good things happen.
So this is what we parents do with our daughter's interest in playing the piano. We furnish her the opportunities to make it real with lessons, music, and above all, we listen to her play and give her positive feedback. If it sounds not so good, you nod your head and say, "I really like the way you are working and practicing." Intrinsic Motivation by its very nature is Positive there is no negative intrinsic motivation.
In another article, I'll tell you how a basketball team lost its way to the state tournament because their coach used Positive Extrinsic Motivation. Getting back to answering the original question, I advise the coaches on the two main aspects to having your kids get and stay motivated:
1. Stay motivated yourself and communicate that honestly to the kids by how you coach and talk and act.
2. Ignore the little mistakes that your players make and reinforce the good work with compliments, acknowledgments, and other happy stuff.
Peter S. Pierro, EdD parentscoachesasteam.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Peter, Nicely done. Obviously, intrinsic motivation is what parents should be shooting for with their kids. All behavior is purposeful, but hopefully it is need-satisfying and it is our job as mentors to encourage that behavior. Thanks.
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